Fortyish

Sometimes I forget my age.
I mean I still get greasy hair (what’s with that?), I have small boobs that look like I am still pubescent, I rock out to 80’s music and I still get an occasional zit. But then I am quickly reminded that I am officially 44 years old when I sneeze and pee myself. Not a complete, wet-my-pants pee but enough to bum me out.
I also noticed that I seem to be hard of hearing lately. My friend, who happens to be my neighbor, came over the other day to just chat. After conversing (or as some people say conversating which really isn’t a word) for a while she asked if she could use my biffy. There is always that sheer panic when someone wants to use my toilet unannounced. I hope the last person in there remembered to flush everything down as I have unfortunately been met with a surprise every now and then.
Upon finishing, my neighbor ran out of my bathroom yelling, “I have to go…my undies are on fire!”
“What?” I asked concerned.
“My UNDIES are on fire!” she yelled again as she ran out my front door.
She had white pants on because it was in between Memorial and Labor Day so I looked at her arse as she ran across the street and into her yard. It didn’t look like her undies where on fire. But I thought if she did have a bad case of the hemorrhoids maybe I wouldn’t notice by just looking at her fanny. I personally don't have any experience with hemorrhoids but once a friend told me that she had such a bad case of them when she was pregnant that her buttocks actually got stuck to the bottom of her bathtub. I guess they acted like suction cups. Ouch!
Later when I saw my neighbor, I asked why her undies were on fire…I mean I like to know those things as long as you don’t get too graphic.
She laughed. “Oh my God, not my undies, you Ding Ding! My ONIONS! My onions where on fire! I left them frying on the stove!”
Whew…I was relieved for her!
I think my husband, who is also 44, is having problems with his hearing too. The other day, I asked him to let the dog in. A few minutes went by and I looked out the window and she was still out. So I asked him, “Why didn’t you let Millie in?”
“Because she didn’t want to come in,” he answered with his head in the refrigerator.
Now I know that isn’t true because she was now whining outside the window, so I decided that I would just have to do it myself. I guess I sent a boy to do a man's job!
There she was, her chain wrapped around a rock, waiting for me to rescue her.
“Silly head,” I said to my husband as I came into the kitchen with the dog happily running alongside me, “she couldn’t make it to the door because her chain was wrapped around a rock!”
“Did you say you wanted to suck my cock?” he said with a smirk on his face.
HAHA…he is definitely experiencing some very serious hearing problems!